| "bring to a conclusion" |
[20 Sep 2007|12:34am] |
me?
i make to-do lists every night and throw them away every morning. what happened to generally fortunate?- i guess thats where that you create your own whatever comes in.
scandal.
i'm estimating around next summer things will be back on track, (honestly, i really only need a couple months, but i think it will probably be a good thing to throw a couple extra in; typical case, i tend to dwell, a lot), i'll be off probation 11/20, so that will give me alotta more money, i'll start driving, jive, by xmas, so there goes alotta money, but regardless of how pessimistic i really want to be on this whole time heals everything sphere, i'll be in the sky in no time.
victory.
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| ridic |
[17 Sep 2007|08:38pm] |
my mom's off the wall.
i've never seen it this bad.
manipulating everybody. twisting everything. discouraging anything. my jaw is dropped completely, i'm still trying to decide if i should continue to be in disbelief and rage or laugh my ass off at this crazy nut case menopausal joke of a woman. i cannot make sense of how she makes up her own stories so damn good, its like she's in a total different dimension. and how she talks her self into anything by using past situations for bait that took place years ago. she knows what she says when she says it, she knows it cuts deep and makes me upset; yet if i respond in anyway what so ever, including walking away or not listen, she'll throw a fit that makes it beyond apparent that she's so distant from reality, shes practically begging someone to commit her. every year she loses her mind in a time frame of september through may. and every year there is a huge dispute, pinpointed on me, it always escalates to involve my dad, who, when mother isnt present, tells me he cant stand her because she does the same bullshitting, manipulating, shit talking to him as well as me, but she does her magic manipulation and it comes back on me, this has been happening for 6 years now, when i was younger i dont think i could word it right, nor really understand what exactly was going on, because for those 6 years, like i said, her crazy as fuck outbursts are pinpointed on me, and i always hold my own, and its always me that gets taken out of the house. no matter what i said, its always me, she can manipulate herself right threw doctors, counselors, police, judges, its crucial. ever wonder why ive been threw at least 10 different family counselors; its cause about 5 or 6 months of seeing them every other week, they realize theres a screw loose upstairs, and she doesnt think they are right, even if 3, 6, even 9 different ones say the same thing, so she finds a different one. last year it was so bad i couldnt handle it anymore, so i fight back, and i cornered her in with the truth and mother never likes that, so she starts her plan b slapping around crap like her 100 inch around arms are infact muscle not oreos and mcdonalds, and after so long you just get to the point where you have to fight back, regardless; and that got me a month in jail, another in rehab even though i was totally sober (ya, she talked my judge into that one too, i mean, common judge kuhn, you definitely knew i wasnt intoxicated or drugged up LET ALONE dont you think if she was so hurt and destroyed by what i did, cause it was all my fault, to the call the police in the first place and watch them arrest me at a minors age, she would even consider coming to ALL my court dates while i was incarcerated, calling jails office and demand to talk to me, send me commissary money, write me letters, that she in fact did; and that it was obvious that this was not all just me... what happened to self defense?, or it takes two to tango?) so now my life has been on delay for a year, with 2g's in fines and appointments here, appointments there, a b/s charge i have to go threw a crap load of trouble to waiver to get into the air force, let alone 600+ in drug/pbt costs, all thanks to her. and every year before that, i had was forced to leave school and lose credit every time when i was sent to the hospital, yet its still my fault because i didnt graduate on time when she would build me up so high i ended up tearing myself down, but to this day i still cant come up with any other choice i could of had. so here we are again, its a time bomb ticking. my dad tells me to stay in the basement filled with clutter and layers of dust. i have to hide from her, because i make it worse, i'm suppose to ignore everything she says that makes me feel like some worthless low bred and 'just go up to her and give her a hug'. i don't get why only a handful of people can see that i am the one who puts up with her.
no matter how low she cuts me down, no matter the duration of time she spends calling dad fighting with him, talking more made up nut case shit shes best at, she tries to act like it never happened, even apologizes.
call me a pussy bitch, but i give up.
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| 10/10 |
[13 Sep 2007|01:19am] |
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i was kidnapped by c-section.
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| sgstn |
[06 Sep 2007|09:03pm] |
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bang a guy that spent 3 years in prison.
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| hate |
[28 Aug 2007|11:04pm] |
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i hate money. i hate time. i hate probation. i hate my hair cut and color. i hate nail polish remover. i hate my dogs barking at every little noise. i hate that the 3 brainless wonders i live with have half tract minds that wont reinforce anything that im trying to teach my dogs. i hate my webbing tearing when i finally decide to eat. i hate how these doctors seem fucking clueless at their occupation. i hate people that think its relatively cool to act basically retarded and 99% percent of the time that you have a conversation with them they purposely make comments that make no sense coz they some how think its cute/funny/attractive (or WHATEVER) when its rly just annoying and pathetic considering how old they are, i dont know how many times ill have to hear from everyone that theyre so far from reality it makes them a complete joke to the human race, and on that note i hate how they try to debate over everything when the side they're trying to defend has no logic/reason whatsoever but they always have to be right, AND i hate how they use every little thing i ever say against me regardless if it is/was good or bad, how i was feeling at the time that i said it, and its always said without consideration of how it will make me feel, AND last but not least, i hate how i keep getting mad over these people that i'm just going to be laughing at in a couple years. i hate my decisions. i hate my dads temper. i hate my moms bitching and moaning about her body aching, especially when i constantly try to get her to exercise, eat right, etc, she completely shuts me down and out. i hate my brothers incapability of taking care of himself in every aspect of that subject. i hate living in a cluttered unorganized house. i hate how everyone is a pack rat in my house. i hate my room again. i hate how i always change everything about it and a week or two after i have to change it again to keep the (i guess you would call it) sanity (that i'm almost convincing myself that i dont even have). i hate putting myself into a nervous state from absolute stupidity. i hate that my will power seems irretrievable. i hate how i accidentally cut the inseam on my pants to short when i was tailoring them and how i accidentally ripped them taking them off. thats about it but ill prbly come back on here w/in the next couple of days to list some more mediocre bull crap that im not rly dont even care that much about anymore.
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| >:[ |
[22 Aug 2007|08:09pm] |
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here merissa, you have about a month in a half to pay 835 dollars in order to have yr freedom back, oh i'm now just telling you? i must have been caught up sucking kuhns cock to have let the concept of saving that sort of money takes some time cross my mind, and when his semen completely submerged my face i must have not even considered that possibly telling you about this money you must pay in order to be free would be the logical thing to do as soon as you were released from jail, i dont know how i let that slip my peanut brain when your teeny tiny folder with a green tab was indeed my source of entertainment while kuhn was tracing the inside of my waste eliminator with a feather duster. i dont understand this situation myself actually, but thats not a surprise because i got so drunk last night that i thought masturbating with a cheese grater would feel quite satisfying, but back to that i am talking about, you were arrested an entire year ago.. shucks, how brainless of me, i am completely fucking brainless with an elephants dick gridlocked threw the holes of my ears. ah, well i work in the court system so i have to state the obvious to convince myself that i sound smart and also to remind me how powerful this job is suppose to make me feel though one day i will probably get a criminal and he will strangle me with my saturated panties i cant figure out how to wash because my washing machine didnt include the option of slow. so anyways, it is my duty to state the obvious explanation for that expression on yr face known as rage; if i would have told you about this balance of fees when you got out of rehab, an entire year ago, you would have had many opportunities to put payments down, payments? why, yes, we offer payments. so in fact you could have had yr fines payed off by november and wouldnt have the probable result of staying on probation longer than yr sentence and have to pay this infested county more and more and more and more and more and more of yr money so we can hand it out to wild nigger murderers and white trash teen moms. my conclusion is that if you want yr freedom in november, the 835 dollars that somehow slipped my mind to mention what so ever, must be paid. anyways, see you next month.
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| contempo |
[17 Aug 2007|03:00pm] |
i might claim i don't have feelings and have a strong internal defense against shit, but i'm not lifting the lid here screaming, here by all means come take one on me.
eat a dick and realize yr own ignorance.
i'm a cataclysm with money, i guess you could say my temptations are elbrus nigmatullin to my willpower, actually i dont think i have any of that rly.
and more of that stuff called pessimism.
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| blasé |
[05 Aug 2007|11:32pm] |
i don't know where to start and if i did i wouldn't know where to end, so to sum everything up that i decided not to detail, i am distinctly pitiable.
i needa skedaddle.
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| love cartridge, |
[04 Mar 2007|06:08pm] |
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i just want to know what i want, im not the type of girl who will respect you, im pretty stuborn, and the last thing i need is an attachment, im looking for change, not a replacement,
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| escentual, |
[25 Feb 2007|01:53am] |
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laugh, just laugh,
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| delighted, im sure, |
[24 Feb 2007|01:54am] |
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my bodys still shaking from yr kiss that was suppose to last forever, but im over it, moving on,
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| nouveau |
[30 Sep 2006|02:08am] |
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a 360 please.
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| plunge my asshole |
[24 Sep 2006|10:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crazy |
] |
cymon herman is a bitch. i have pills. i like carmel coffee. my room is a mess. no school monday, and paycheck day too. cymon herman is my lover, not a bitch. my moms crotch smells like lasagna. i dont know what im typing, i want my wish troll to come alive.
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| love |
[16 Aug 2006|06:19am] |
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unavailable trial period?
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| returning |
[19 Jul 2006|03:56pm] |
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thank you so much for making me feel important, for once in your life, you acually suceeded in something. congradu-fucking-lations.
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| guaranteed |
[01 Jul 2006|01:26pm] |
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something is missing.
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| thousands |
[30 Jun 2006|11:31am] |
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strawberries and cool whip remind me of doing heroin. where did my life go?
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| concentration |
[28 Jun 2006|08:30pm] |
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what happened to me? i can't write anymore, my vocabulary has sunk so deep its impossible to retrieve it. everything is crashing down no matter what medication i'm on, how much i drink, how much anyone loves me, i'm utterly losing myself, losing something that's already lost.. is that possible?
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merissatron's journal